I am a victim or shall I say a survivor of child sexual abuse.
I believe it started before I was 5 and it happened numerous times by a number of people. I don't want to get into too much detail as I don't want to trigger anyone. Being abused has had an huge affect on my life in regards to my mental health, relationships and self esteem.
Being black, being African, being me, I don't really see anyone like me opening up about child abuse or mental health. I'm sure I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it.
I've been told in order to overcome I have to forget and put everything behind me. However, I always feel like I am then I feel a hole in my heart that I can't explain, that occurs randomly.
Though I was abused I wouldn't say I had a bad child hood. If you looked at me you'd never think I was experiencing the horrible things I went through. I guess it happened so many times I believed this is what people do when they love you. I read a lot about child abuse, the perpetrators and victims. I never really know how to feel when taking in all the information as I just don't understand.
As I write this I hurt but I hope I can continue to talk about this as I don't want to feel trapped, or ashamed. I have spent the majority of my life feeling guilty for things I did not ask for, I see the people who hurt me living their lives. Treating me as though nothing has ever happened. It's crazy. If they can live their lives freely, why can't I?
This is my truth and I want to live in it.