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My Suicide Attempt Story

Last year I opened up for the first time about my suicide attempt a few years ago. Shortly after posting this video I attempted to commit suicide 2-3 times. I originally started making YouTube videos as a way to avoid thinking about my problems. This wasn't a good idea as I became extremely obsessed with finding ways to avoid thinking about my feelings. Once I had nothing to run to I became extremely depressed and hit rock bottom. I've never been someone to open up about my feelings which is usually why I go downhill so fast. I found that this video helped everyone but me.

I came up with a series on my channel called 'No Secrets' the series included personal stories about things I have experienced with mental health and also experiences which have caused me great pain. I decided to do this series as a way to help both me and others. Being someone who is so private it is so easy to let everything bottle up inside and I did not want to do that anymore. Some might ask w…
Recent posts

When life gives you lemons...

So today has been quite an upsetting day, I was supposed to get paid from work today however that never happened. My work place has also given me no response as to why I haven't been paid leaving me to feel very hopeless and frightened. Unable to pay my rent, buy groceries or pay my bills, I'm genuinely praying for a miracle.

Having anxiety makes situations like this very nerve wrecking, I went from being unable to sleep to feeling as though my mind and my body were in two different realms. Have you ever been in this situation before?

I have spent my whole entire day informing my landlord I won't be able to pay rent, chasing up my managers and also wanting to jumps out of a window. As you can tell I don't handle things very well. I am someone who truly enjoys planning and structure so when things don't go to plan I don't know how to handle myself or life. I really don't know what to do but I'm believing in God and I am praying he will make the imposs…

My Truth

I am a victim or shall I say a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I believe it started before I was 5 and it happened numerous times by a number of people. I don't want to get into too much detail as I don't want to trigger anyone. Being abused has had an huge affect on my life in regards to my mental health, relationships and self esteem.

Being black, being African, being me, I don't really see anyone like me opening up about child abuse or mental health. I'm sure I'm not the only one but sometimes I feel like it.

I've been told in order to overcome I have to forget and put everything behind me. However, I always feel like I am then I feel a hole in my heart that I can't explain, that occurs randomly.

Though I was abused I wouldn't say I had a bad child hood. If you looked at me you'd never think I was experiencing the horrible things I went through. I guess it happened so many times I believed this is what people do when they love you. I read a lot …

Motions

Yesterday was an amazing day I was very happy and I kept getting good news all day. However, I've noticed that today I woke up feeling emotionless. I'm not sad or happy I'm just me.

Does anyone feel like this after being happy? I feel like I'm unable to process the emotions that have been felt for the past few hours and that's crazy. I guess I've always been this way.

I hate feeling like I don't have any control over my emotions. I feel like I'm not in control of my self and that doesn't sit right with me. The mind is very powerful.

Nonetheless, I have had a productive day. I did laundry, cleaned my room and the flat and made sure I ate.

- Jacq

Improvement

Today has been a good day. I didn't start off exactly how I wanted but I picked myself up and completed everything I wanted to do.

Also I know I said I wouldn't check my results but I checked one and I did very well thank God! I truly believe I am a loving testimony. So many things have happened that should've discouraged me from achieving but God has truly brought me through it all and made me stronger. I am truly grateful and amazed.

I listened to a TD JAKE'S sermon a few days ago and it really made me realize my worth and know I am gifted. If you're going through a hard time right now and it feels like you've been in this position for too long, you're starting to give up and question what is the point please don't give up. You're worth so much.

Tomorrow is a new day.

- Jacq

Fears

My apologies to everyone who hates spiders, however, I hope you cringed a little when seeing the pictures as it is the reaction I wanted.

I don't know if it's normal but I have a whole lot of fears, I'm scared of cats, I have trypophobia (I believe that is how it's spelt), scared of flying, I used to be scared of travelling alone but I overcame that fear on my 20th birthday which was two years ago. I have attempted to overcome my fear of cats numerous times but lort, the struggle is real. If you're scared of cats please let me know cause everyone around me doesn't understand my fear.

Anyways getting to the point of my post, I fear life itself . I've had many opportunities to do something really amazing but because I was scared of the unknown I decided not to partake. My anxiety often interferes in my day to day life, from calling in sick at work because of scared to leave the house to not saying hi to someone because I'm not sure if they care for my e…

Self control

My mum always talks about how it is important to have self control but what the hell does that even mean. All I know is if I see a table full of goodies I'm going to eat them lool. #Sorrynotsorry.

Jokes aside, self control is vital in all aspects of life not just food. It's necessary to have self control in regards to your emotions, actions and overall lifestyle. Self control is deciding you aren't going to watch another episode of friends as its 3am and you have work in the morning.

I can honestly say I don't really have self control. I never know when to stop eating, binge watching or just not be overly emotional towards someone else. I'm not too sure what steps to take towards working on this but I'm sure acceptance is the first step.

If you have any tips, let me know. Thanks.

- Jacq